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Pap test nightmare

Updated ( Aug 13th /16 ) I wanted to share a life event I remembered today and although personal, I felt it may help others with a caution to not let outside influences derail your success and efforts when working on living the happy, healthy life we all deserve !

About 2.5 years after I had my son Joshua who is now 10 I decided to really make an effort to look after myself and the first step, which was a HUGE step at the time, was to make a doctors appointment for a complete physical. This was an extremely important first step because I gained weight very quickly after having him and didn’t feel confident enough to even schedule my follow up appointment after my c section. With my weight and how I was feeling , I worried secretly a lot if something may be wrong, and this worry plagued me. I called and booked the appointment terrified ( no joke ) and the day of, I felt so much anxiety. I requested a female doctor and the moment she walked into the room, my anxiety went up as she was a very petite women which has no real relevance in this story except for the fact, I felt so large at the time and right away, I felt so embarrassed and humiliated.

It was time for the physical part of the appointment to start and all was going relatively well, considering the occasion and just at that moment, my worst fear happened – completely vulnerable, not able to walk away or hide my emotions, mid checkup on the table in the most compromising position, the doctor says ” you have a lot of weight on, your legs really are far too big ” keep in mind what was currently happening, I felt her eyes on me now like she could and did see every flaw .. she said a few other things but I heard nothing after those first few sentences, my heart was racing and I was fighting back hot tears that seemed to burn as they slid down my face against my will. Now, I’m not going to knock this doctor – as doctors, they have an obligation to help us with our health and to be forthcoming with needed information and what she said was true. I do think however, she had poor bedside manner with her timing but she most likely didn’t know this was a visit 2.5 yrs in the making, she didn’t known the courage it took to pick up the phone just to book the appointment, let alone show up. She didn’t know this but I did!! How many of us have great intentions with regards to a life goal when someone says something that seems to take away all joy and determination ?! Bottom line is (( I )) made the choice to leave that appointment deflated and ashamed to name a few emotions and ((I)) decided to feed those emotions with food which led to more weight gain after I left !

Everything is a choice in life and just like I made the choice I did after that visit, I also made the choice in Nov 2011 to make huge life changes for my health from the inside out – I decided to keep training after my grandmother passed away Sep 2010 for my 1st 1/2 marathon in October of that year and ran it with my husband. Over the last few months I’ve been keeping track of my health so when going to to the doctor with my health issues, I’ll be armed with information. We are faced with choices every day and we need to be our own biggest advocate and supporter to make the choices that help us excel and keep us moving towards the life of our dreams !!! Don’t let an outside influence steal your joy or squat your amazing efforts because others can’t know the courage it takes – others can’t know our full story that is rooted with thoughts, feeling, actions and emotions and therefor, they are unable to see the real accomplishment, this doesn’t make it any less amazing – you need to count on yourself to be reminded of this truth as often as needed. Having *self belief * self love & * self respect can save our life by providing us the foundation we need for everything else to be built on and for me that always includes God’s amazing grace !

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