April 19/17 Reflections:
I’m sitting in our beautiful yard, watching our little man of 3 playing in the sandbox having fun, the sun is beautiful but it’s only +3 so I’m sitting by a fire in the fire pit. ( true story ) As I sit here my heart aches as my eye is drawn to the apple trees where we buried our Odie man this Easter Sunday ( our Brittany Spaniel ) he was amazing and more than a dog to us, he was family, a friend, a cuddle when needed & so much more. It hurts to say (was) he is missed more than I can express ! As you know, I’m also battling chronic pain that’s being treated as fibromyalgia, this all began Nov 2015 and has progressed into my whole body along with arthritis in my knees where the pain is significant ( I most likely made this worse from all my marathon training but I’m glad for the achievement of two half marathons ) I’m testing different meds, seeing different doctors, specialist and I’m up 40 – 45 pounds that I lost. I wanted to write & share this today vulnerable & raw because maybe out of anything I can share, people just need to hear the hard, the reality. I’m not going to include excuses or any filter to my pic, hold back weight gain, struggle or pain from the loss of our fur man because this is real ! When so many have reached out wanting coaching from me over the years, often, they had this sort of real going on in their own lives which is why they wanted / needed help. At the heart of it, we are all open to these things, often, even the people who look like they have it all together, they just hide it a little better – be sure the greater the ( hide ) the deeper the inner destruction. This is where I want to share the power of choice …. There is a quote from an unknown author that says ” Every day may not be good but there is good in every day ” so when taking this photo today, I didn’t smile because it was the thing to do … I smiled because even with all the hard and sad, life itself is beautiful and with the sad, there is also joy ( our Odie man lays to rest on one side of the yard and my 3 year old makes happy sounds playing on the other ) I have a choice where my focus goes, that doesn’t mean pain leaves or that I won’t shed more tears later, it just means I allow myself to feel it while also recognizing the gift of life I have today ( not always easy, I know )
With my weight gain, something I know many struggle with, I am actually ok and better yet, I’m not just saying that lol This is a true testament to the life changes I started to make on the inside in 2010 and how they have changed my life is such a positive, life saving way. In 2010 when my Journey began, I felt I had to look a certain way and be a certain weight to be a valuable member of society which is why I rarely sang or did anything where people would see me out in public. With the struggles I have going on now, not knowing I have worth and a purpose just as I am is no longer an issue. Matter of fact, if I’m able, I am going to an event and singing tonight for the first time in months ( edit update I did go and sing ) The inside, emotional changes I’ve made, have made this season so much more manageable. Trust me, I have moments, summer is coming and summer clothes show more than I want right now but you know, I had some bigger clothing given to me and I also went and bought some from Value Village instead of squeezing into my large sizes that made me feel like crap and they feel comfy and good – you know those clothes being tight made me feel over and over that I had let everyone down with regards to my weight lose…how foolish but also how sad that we do this to ourselves. See, I’m not worried because I know I’m on a life journey, that will never change ! I will never give up, I’m a fighter and the moment I can do more, I will. For now, I do what I can and I have peace with that – peace doesn’t mean we don’t have to work at it daily, it means we keep putting in the inside work.
What do I pray you’ll take from this post ? Well, I pray that it reaches some and helps in ways I didn’t even think of. I pray it helps those fighting struggle feeling alone to know they aren’t alone. I pray it reaches those starting their healthy living journey for the 1000’th time to know ( it has to start with the inside work – trust me, it will sustain you when life slaps you in the face ) I pray it reaches all those who have gained weight feeling like a bag of dirt, a failure, weak to snap out of it and fight for yourself the best you can – let go of diets and punishment and decide to feed your soul and move to reward your body – being healthy is a reward NOT punishment. I pray for those like me fighting health issues where our bodies don’t make sense, weight has been gained without fully even know why that you give yourself some grace, stop being so hard on yourself !! I pray it reaches those with hidden struggles & addictions that we can’t see and I pray that this could be a light in the darkness, you’re not alone, it’s not too late to change things and if you answer ( I don’t even matter ) oh yes you do – you were created in his image and YOU matter more than you could ever know ! To all the above, you have great purpose, great value JUST as you are, in this very moment even if broken & lost.
Right now I ask you, what can you look for in this very moment that’s a blessing even if you feel broken, look for it, really, right now…..is it a spouse, significant other, a child, family member, friend, your home, grass, flowers, the feeling of being in nature or by the ocean, music, dancing ?? Cling to the blessing and pull yourself up, pull and don’t let go, come out of the dark & shame and breath in the light of grace !!